6 Times Too Many....

It’s been a while. 

I haven’t blogged in .. 15 years maybe? 

I remember doing it ritually back in the day. Apparently I had a lot to say? 

Let’s get right to it.. 

what happened? That’s what a lot of my “followers” and friends who aren’t close to me ask.. or want to know. 

I mean, let’s face it, if this wasn’t my story even I’d want to know. 

I spent the better part of 15+ years (since I’ve had a Facebook) telling you all how amazing my marriage was. How amazing of a person I was married too. How I truly felt I was living the fairytale life. 

To say that was all a lie, would actually BE a lie.  There were good times. It would be wrong of me to say that more times than not, it was a happy life.  We had our ups and downs like any other couple.  I’ll touch on that I’m sure as the blogs keep coming.. 

So the big question,.. what happened? 

Truth be told, I don’t exactly know. It’s been the question of the year with my sisters, kids and close friends. None of us actually KNOW. …

I have my suspicions, we all do, and what I think happened (or WHO I should say) but no concrete evidence. I have journal entries that are heart breaking and guttural for me to read, although super insightful. 

If there ever was a gut feeling that was speaking loud and clear, I had it. All of 2021. 

All of it. 

Some of you may question or even think it’s silly as to why I’m sharing the rise and fall of my story, and that’s ok,.. my response to that is, I’ve built my business on being personable. Relatable. Like every other person. Only with a pretty cool God given talent. 

The few that know my story have reached out and told me how they had healed from something similar, told me that they were shocked and saddened, some told me they saw it coming. 

If you would have told me, A or T that this was what was to come, all 3 of us would laugh you right into next week. 

We all were sailing through life seemingly unaware that our lives were forever going to change.. 

It was the quickest yet longest year of my life. 

There’s so much that transpired over the course of 12-15 months. 

Before I dive deeper I have to preface this by saying- we all are happy.

So happy. 

There was a short period of time that I was scared that happiness was far far far away.. for all 3 of us.  A, T and myself struggle still -the days are getting fewer and far between that we find ourselves questioning, but they are still there. Mostly for A and myself. 

Journal entry 5/2/2021:

“How much longer can I live like this? 

Is living like this better than living without him?”

Journal entry 5/6/2021

“I poured my heart out to him tonight, just telling him what I need and how I’m feeling. He response was “this is ridiculous” 

He seemed not interested and emotionless.  I feel this is the beginning of the end. Or is this already the end,….

God, am I asking too much? 

Soften my heart and show me the way if I am wrong.  I dont want to hurt anymore.  I just want to be happy. 

I am so tired of crying all the time.  I dont want this kind of marriage.  He told me yesterday that I was the “perfect wife”. 

I am scared. I feel so alone in a house surrounded by people that I love more than anything….”

——

Laying in bed at night beside him I would cry.  Just hoping I would wake up to a better tomorrow. Hoping that he would snap out of it.. 

HOW does someone you knew and loved for over 2 decades turn into a stranger, seemingly overnight? 

We dont know. I’ll never know. But I’ll tell you, it happened. 

I have so much to say - I dont know where to start - I dont want to lump everything into one blog, so for today I’ll leave you with this:

January 29th, 2021

June 22nd, 2021

July 24th, 2021

August 15th, 2021

August 31st, 2021

September 8th 2021 

Six dates. Six times that J left me. Left our home. Left the kids and I. 

Without an explanation. 

6 times in one year. 6 times that I took him back. 6 times that I devalued myself.  6 times that I allowed a man to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough.  

6 times too many.